Well. It's official. *stubbornly resists the urge to be snarky in the face of war*
I'm scared.
In other news, I'm also resisting the urge to be whiny about "He who must not be named"
Nevermind. No more resisting.
*ANGST ALERT*
I keep talking with a friend who recently was dumped by her boyfriend of 2 years, and she says i'm the only one who knows what she's going through. and i do, but the thing is she's making me relive it all. and now i'm all depressed again. And I was talking about how I never really knew that he liked me anyway, and that it was always me doing the asking, and I'm sure I just pressured him into a relationship, and he obviously never wanted to be friends with me even....and she said he talked to her about me, and that he had been happy with me.
So, now I'm all conflicted. One part of me is sure she's just saying that. Another is happy to think that someone liked me really, that
he liked me, liked being with me, no matter that it didn't last. And yet another is freshly sad...and all "if he was happy, why..."
I hate this. I hate feeling this insecure. And everything else in my life is so great right now. And I've never been this miserable for this long before. Nothing feels like this. Nothing. And I only liked him for a little over 5 years. And I only went out with him for 9 months. I can't imagine how bad a divorce must feel.
Strangely enough, I really miss his body. That sounds so squick saying it...but it's the contact I think. That was a hug everyday, a kiss....at the moment I'd give almost anything for the feeling of his hand on my back and my face pressed against his neck.
I'm sorry for going on about him. But I guess I'd rather angst about him than war. And you don't have to read these. I can't talk about this sort of thing with anybody. Lots of people just don't care, and for those that do, I don't want to bother them. And I used to write all my angst and silly thoughts and stuff like that to him. These long intimate emails. And now I can't. And I miss that too.
Eh. Going to bed now. Maybe I'll hit my head against the bedboard as I climb in, and knock myself out. At the moment, that seems to be the only way I'll get any sleep. Sorry, I'll be more cheerful next time, I promise.
