hmm

is it strange that I still use a paper journal? and not only any old paper journal, but the same one i've had for the last 3 years...the dave journal? I think I'm over him now...I miss him as a friend...but otherwise? I dunno. I know I miss the way I felt about him. It was all-consumming, and a constant in my life, how i felt about him. I won't say I didn't doubt, because I did. And I won't say I was always happy, because I definitely wasn't. Not by a long shot. I always wanted more than he wanted to give, I guess. But when something went right? It was a high that was unbelievable. I miss how shaky I got when I thought about him. But looking back on it all in light of who I am now, I was repressing whole chunks of ME in an effort to be something he could like. (No wonder I was shaky) And I really never felt good about myself. I never felt pretty or smart or talented at anything. None of this was his fault really...just a side effect of the overwhelmingness of my crush on him.

'what brought all this dave crap on?' you may ask. 'i thought we were DONE with him finally'
It's just that I wrote a silly little poem in the dave-notebook tonight. a silly little boy-poem. And of course, I couldn't resist looking back at the old entries (i never can resist) and I realized that half of it is pre-dating angst (going back to when I was turning 15!) and a quarter of it is dating-dave joy. Which I think says something, that the angst was twice the joy. and then 1/8th of it (these are exact numbers!) is college boy angst (yay!)...which leaves me only 1 more eighth to fill, and then it's over. OVER! And I guess I'll have to get a new paper journal. And I think that by the time I have filled the last pages with new boy angst/joy, I will be completely and utterly OVER dave. Not that I'm not mostly and practically and wonderfully over him now. But I think I need to finish the journal...just to prove to myself that I can. And then I can put it away, on the shelf, and grow up? Nah.

Just to clarify this post:

This is not not!boy angst. The not!boy is possibly the best boy ever, in terms of communication anyway. And certainly, at the moment things are good. (not as good as they could be...certain people have been very angsty lately, which rubs off on me and makes me angsty, which is never good...but that's not a big deal. *grin*) I would prove this goodness to all and sundry (who's sundry?!) by posting the bad not!boy poems, but that would be silly, as it's BAD.

So anyway.
This was a real blog wasn't it? not just a "here's what I did with my day" but a "this is how I feel today" post. Haven't you missed them? Come on, you know you have. ; )